l o lllllll
it’s so painful i can’t even find words. there are two people in this world who are supposed to love me truly and unconditionally; and my heart, my world, my everything has been completely shattered by one of those people. i have no idea how to cope. all i know is that i feel totally hopeless. i want to cry until all of this has left my body, or until i’m too exhausted to feel sad anymore, but i can’t shed a single tear. i don’t want to be angry but i can’t help it. i have spent my entire life struggling with these feelings. i have spent my whole life trying to fix myself after you have broken me over and over, somehow completely oblivious or maybe even in denial about the pain you caused. i don’t want to hate you, but i can’t help it. i know i am an ugly person for feeling this anger and hate and not being able to let it go, but i really do not know how. you have broken me and somehow i feel certain there is no fix for this. i just feel so empty, and the worst part about it is that i have no control over it. it doesn’t feel fair that you are the one who has the power to fix this, and you have always been the one with that power, but you never step up. i want to bleed so badly. i just want to drown out the pain you cause me with pain that i cause myself, so at least i feel like i have some control. i just hurt so badly and i have no idea what can be done. i want to forget. i want to move on. i don’t want to hurt or feel hate any longer. i will try to sleep now instead of slipping into the bathroom to pull my knife from its hiding place and cut.
reading this gave me chills, because i can relate to it totally and completely. feeling so overwhelmed, so scared, so out-of-control that you really feel this is all you have left… it is the scariest feeling in the world.
fractured-self:
Sometimes you experience an uncontrollable need to split yourself open. You need to see and feel the rush of blood from clean cuts to coincide with the undeniable emotions trapped inside you. Something needs to escape and it is just not enough to let tears trickle slowly down your cheeks.
i’m so mad at you, i have so much anger inside myself toward you. and i don’t know how to let it go, other than to completely cut you out of my life. it’s ironic that i say that, because i haven’t spoken to you in, what… probably close to a year? you don’t try to stay in touch with me and you never really have, so why do i feel guilty right now for thinking of “cutting you out” of my life? you aren’t in my life! you never have been part of my life. why do i feel guilty? maybe because now it will become my fault that we don’t talk, instead of yours, and maybe i can’t handle that guilt.
so what am i supposed to do? i can’t handle this guilt, but i can’t continue to let you tear me apart. the fucked up part is that you don’t have any clue how much you hurt us, and you never have. as far as you’re concerned, you’ve been a fantastic parent. i don’t even consider you my father, if we’re being honest, yet i still feel guilty thinking of just completely cutting any ties with you. those ties are probably mostly emotional, and only on my end, since you don’t seem to care one way or the other.
i want to punch you in the fucking face, i want to spit on you, i want to scream so loud i drown out all the inevitable excuses i know you’ll have for never being there. hate is an ugly word and an uglier emotion, but i honestly think that if i hate anyone in the world, it’s you.
way too relevant.
i’m only one person and i’ll never be able to do enough, and that thought literally haunts me every day and every night. life doesn’t feel fair. life ISN’T fair. i feel physically sick at the thought that no matter how much energy or effort i put into making a difference, over my entire lifetime it will only amount to a grain of sand in a vast desert. i don’t know how to go on with my “life” knowing that none of it matters. how can any of it really matter, all the trivial bullshit i experience on a daily basis, when there are people and animals out there who are starving and homeless and abused?
i don’t know how to cope with these thoughts. i don’t know if i ever will. no doctor or therapist or friend or family member has ever found any words of comfort or consolation that have made me feel like maybe i’m being irrational. they all tell me that i’m irrational, but i can’t see how that’s possible. i’m not being irrational… i’m just not as blind as everyone else. i just can’t ignore it like everyone else. is that a gift or a curse? i am still not sure.
i feel incredibly and deeply sad right now. i wish i could believe that life is worth living, but i don’t know how to truly believe that when there is so much suffering in the world. i can only do so much, and it will never be enough. not even close.
I agree with the boy. oops.
haha, i agree with the boy too. if you respect yourself, you don’t jump into bed with every guy who gives you a little bit of attention.
"I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t been self-destructive in some way. And who hasn’t gone through some sort of bout of self-loathing? You’ve got to bang yourself around a bit to know yourself."
- Johnny Depp (via rebellious-red)
